Meg is heading to The Cape to visit her Mom, and she just wanted to let you know what the 5 day forecast is:

She’s predicting an early start on Thursday, with a quick drive to the Cape. A chance of refreshment with a Bloody Mary is possible, following by extreme planting in the garden. Friday may start with a hangover fog, followed by a cleaning out of the basement and planning a garage sale, ending with a thirst quenching beer. Saturday the fog clears again, and the weekend starts in earnest, ending with a crisp martini. Sunday brings well needed relief with a fruit drink, because who doesn’t consider fruit healthy?And let’s face it, Monday sucks, so why not whine over some wine and some cheese and crackers.

Stayed tuned as Meg updates her Doppler; keeps you informed you on the weather, and more importantly, what matching cocktail you should be drinking.

And thanks to Doc Cynicism, who’s Facebook post about a weather app inspired today’s forecast.

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May is flying by! The gardens are growing, summer plans are shaping up, and another season of the train wreck known as the Bachelorette is starting. Shall we discuss?

Planting perennials pays off, as evidenced by the flower and herb gardens:

And just so you know, Meg did sleep on a heating pad after all the mulching and weeding:

Meg now gets to spend time planting cool containers and interesting pots, leaving the gardens to care for themselves.

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Lord, every time I see a new season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette advertised, I swear I’m not going to watch it. Yet, all those little clips of people crying and staggering around, buzzed on champagne at 3 a.m. are a siren call to Meg. She has to watch the disaster unfold and take notes on who is going to end up roseless.

Here is the Bachelorette, getting a plexiglass slipper from some geek:

Her name is Emily, and she sounds like a cross between Caroline Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie, and Scarlett O’Hara. Meg never heard to many goshes and oh my’s and thankyouverymuches in her life. Meg imagines if she ever had been a contestant, they never would have had someone say what the f**k? like she most likely would.

The lineup of men included a guy I’ll call Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, who entered on a skateboard. Very inspirational. Actually, his name was Jef. And I didn’t mistype that, it’s really with one F.

That one above in the polyester suit carried a glass slipper he apparently purchased from Payless, and placed it on Emily’s foot. Note to that guy, stop getting your Mom to dress you like you are celebrating your Holy First Communion. My favorite was the guy with the boombox, who be-bopped in like he just come from the Jersey Shore. And yes, ladies, he was a DJ named Stevie. Good times.

Please feel no need to watch this show, Meg will provide a skewering from time to time as events warrant.

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Lastly, I think you all might need this recipe as a weekend staple this summer:

I can totally picture a breakfast with Bloody Mary Tomatoes!

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Carry on everyone, for tomorrow is hump day.

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Meg loves the sun. She enjoys sitting on her patio and deck with a nice book; she plans on basking with the Sunday paper and a Bloody Mary this weekend. She generally sports a nice golden color, but always wearing a nice protective coat of SPF 30. Her forays to the beach do result in a nicer tan, but she is cautious not overdo things.

Recent events in the news have Meg concerned that not everyone supports her views on tanning, so today she’d like to give her readers a cautionary tale on what not do do this summer:

I know you’ve all seen tanning mom this week. Standing on her lawn, after a breakfast of Jack and Coke, yelling “Yer all jush jealoush of me!”

And I’m sure she was thrilled she made the SNL line-up!

I’m hoping she didn’t really have a mixed doubles match that day.

Meg hopes you appreciate the 2 for one here, where I snagged the fake orange tan, plus the heinous combover:

Being of Irish heritage, Meg surely knows we are not the color of Lucky Charms:

And this is all I have to say about HIM:

Finally, someone with a PERFECT tan:

SWOON!

This weekend, load up on sunscreen, kick back, relax, and don’t forget your sunscreen. Or that cold drink by your side.

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

The pollen count is high and the stakes are low with Jeopardy Potpourri today. Meg is feeling like Dorothy in the poppy fields this morning, but she’s going to throw out some random thoughts anyway:

Meg is pleased to announce her Overstock.com dress worked perfectly:

She thinks it’s perfect for a wedding at a quiet destination in the woods of Maine. She purchased this belt at Nordstrom to pair with the dress:

It’s stretchy black material in the back with a silver mesh chain in the front; and super comfortable. Meg thinks it almost look like a great piece of jewelry.

Now if the in-law wedding couple can provide a time for the wedding (the destination, time, hotel information, phone, website are all MISSING from the invite, but she has seen glimpses of the mystery on Facebook), Meg is sure she will look nice that day.

And by the way, she chose the sliced SIRLION for her dinner entree.

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Does anyone besides me wish the John Edwards trial was on TV? Jesus, it’s better than an episode of the Real Housewives! Billionaire money, sobbing in the courtroom, skank-bags waiting in the wings to testify.

The whole thing solidifies what a total JERK he is. And you can add a few expletives in front of that word, too. Meg is profoundly sorry for his children, but she wishes he’d end up in prison with a mohawk.

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Meg would like to comment on the state of the morning news. First of all, the Today Show has become painful to watch. Poor Ann Curry, she just can’t stop herself from talking over people and saying stupid things. Matt Lauer has apparently become a human moral compass, ripping guests apart. Mostly what annoys Meg is the music. Each segment is cued with a song, leading Meg to believe they are spending a FORTUNE on royalties. Last week, a somber feature on a fire started with The Trammps “Disco Inferno“. Burn baby, burn, everyone! Another segment on a sinkhole started with mariachi music, and a prompt that said “SINK-HOLE DE MAYO. Get it? A family misfortune is now a lame joke! Do we have your attention now?

Yes, you have my attention, the one where I flip the channel to Charlie Rose on CBS. It’s great, no crazy music, guests that are allowed a 10 minute segment, and no weatherman bouncing off the wall like he took amphetamines with his morning coffee. Meg finds she can actually relax and digest the news in a manner in which she doesn’t become enraged and yell at the TV. It’s a good thing.

Shall we end with a laugh this morning?

Meg hopes everyone has a stupendous Tuesday.

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

This week Mama Kat asks “What things do lie about on a regular basis“?

I think it’s obvious for most women. Height and weight. Meg regularly quotes her weight, it’s probably not her real weight, but more like the weight she wants to be. She sees nothing wrong with that, it’s not harming anyone, right? 10 pounds, schmnend pounds.

Also, she may not be truthful about the height listed on her driver’s license. For years she was 5’8, and she’s pretty sure age and gravity have shrunk her down to 5’7. The height/weight proportion she has in her head is ingrained, imprinted, and consistently used whenever the need arises. The thing is, she always tells her real age, which is currently 53. Meg determined last week when a young lady asked her for a feminine hygiene product in a ladies room, that she at LEAST looked like she hadn’t reached menopause.

Meg remembers this particularly fun co-worker named Mike, and he used to ride a motorcycle to work. Meg declined the Easy Rider experience on the back, but their evil boss insisted on going for a spin. All 300 pounds of her. She often quoted her weight as 200, which possibly could have been 200 stone as used in the English metric system.

Mike came back from the lunchtime ride kind of pale and sweaty, saying he almost dumped the evil one in the parking lot. He mentioned it took all of his brute strength to keep his bike steady. Meg was rather wistful about him not dumping the boss. This leads Meg to mostly thinks her lie are not of the 100 pound variety, which truly is a BIG A** LIE.

Therefore, I theorize this math problem will work for any woman out there:

There you have it, ladies. The little white lie all neatly wrapped up into a nice equation.

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

Hey kids, did you ever go on an impossible mission? A top secret mission that required the skills of a spy, the strength of a Navy Seal, and the financial acumen of the Federal Reserve Board?

Then I take it you have gone dress shopping recently?

Meg has been invited to several weddings this summer, along with various other events that require a spiffy dress. Meg set out of her special mission early this spring, thinking it would take her many trips and the donning of Spanx to find something that looked good.

Meg was right, every time she trolls the mall for a ensemble, she steps into a dress department that if chock full of spaghetti strap and unflattering matte jersey ensembles. Then there is the glittery prom dress section, and of course, the matronly mother of the bride section. Meg usually spins through looking for something sleek and elegant, with a small cap sleeve to cover that part beneath the armpit that no longer is fit to be shown publicly. That’s all she’s asking for, a tiny cap sleeve. Is that too much to ask?

Why don’t I just add an eyeglass chain to this while I’m at it? One of those Swarovski crystal ones.

Meg recently cleaned her closet of all dresses from years past. She noted that many of them still fit, yet she cannot fit into that same size as displayed at the mall. Have today’s standards now excluded women with a bust? Specifically a 38D. Honestly, it’s not like Meg is running her cleavage all over town, yet she looks like she spilling out of everything! (Right, Zadge?) Does she have to resort to duct tape to get everything to stay in place?

Meg finally found a dress on line at Boden:

It has wispy chiffon cap sleeves and looks beautiful. Meg is thinking of rocking a giant antique sterling cuff on her arm and some dangly earrings with it.

She also found this on Overstock.com:

The jury is still out on this as UPS hasn’t delivered the goods, but she’s hopeful that this becomes the second dress that serves her needs this summer.

Moral of the story: Go to the mall and just have wine at the Nordstrom lunch spot and surf the web for dresses.

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

Sometimes Meg wonders what fame does to actors. One day you see them in a great movie or TV show; maybe they are twirling on the red carpet. Then years later, you wonder what they’ve been up to, and you realize they’ve completely gone off the f**king rails. Shall we ponder how a career goes down the toilet?

Meg remembers Janine Turner on Northern Exposure, it was such a quirky interesting show, with a fabulous ensemble cast:

She can’t remember if she ever got together with Rob Morrow, but she remembers the show. Especially the John Corbett part:

OK, enough distraction. Want to know what Janine is up to now? Check out this video, which I KNOW you will not be able to get through:

Janine is a conservative radio talk show host. Janine apparently has been teaching the Federalist Papers, the Constitution, and as well as pimping out her daughter on her Constituting America website. If you think this website is crazy, take a look at her personal website, Janine Turner, where she not only has a million publicity stills:

photo by Doug Demark

But she also has ads for a local bakery and Century 21 real estate. I guess no one told Janine that simplicity is best when putting up a website. I always think sleek and spacious pages attract readers, but hers looks like it might attract a serial killer.

Alicia Silverstone. Wasn’t she so cute in Clueless? Meg loved that she didn’t see Paul Rudd was into her for practically the entire film.

Now she’s a well known vegan and cookbook author, and she’s also more recently famous for this:

OK, she’s feeding her kid like a bird. Call me crazy, but isn’t that what baby food is for? Or better yet, use one of those special baby blenders to puree the food. I realize civilization worked like this at one time, but there really isn’t a need for mouth to mouth feeding in Hollywood. Oh, and for the love of God, please stop naming your kids screwed up names. Bear Blu? Isn’t that like a cartoon on TV?

Lastly, I hate to even put this one in here, but I have to:

Drew Barrymore sweetie, you might call you hair “ombre” but I call it bad roots. Stop doing that and get a real color!

I always try and tie Jon Stewart to any Friday piece I write, and here he is, waxing on Rupert Murdoch’s role in the cell phone hacking scandal:

And kids, if you have learned nothing from this Friday’s blog, it’s to always have a good hairdresser at the ready. Never succumb to celebrity bad hair.

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

Whew! The family has been in a whirlwind of activity for the past week. The Big Financial Services Company her husband works for flew Meg and her husband, along with a hundred other people to Texas.

When they landed on Thursday, they and their good friends Dave and Missy set out for Fort Worth, where they dined at this place:

The Lonesome Dove Bistro was a perfect blend of Western decor, hospitality, and food. Meg sampled rattlesnake, rabbit, elk, wild boar ribs and hamachi tostadas. Oh, and a jalapeno margarita! You may call her an adventurous eater. You would be right. It was all delicious, and then the couples headed down the street, taking in some of the cool neon signs:

Should I get cowboy boots?

And then we hit a place called Billy Bob’s:

We checked out the band:

Anyone want to join the drunk girls on a fake steer? YEE-HAW!

We saw the wall of fame that listed all the country stars who performed and recorded there:

We packed a lot in for one afternoon, and basically kicked all the young ones a**ses, who all went snoozy time and ordered room service when they landed.

Friday was a top secret visit to the facility with breakfast, lunch and oohing and aahing over the digs the husbands would work in. In the afternoon we were assigned a person to show us various towns and homes that had such features as a 16 x 20 outdoor kitchen, a stadium seated media room, and a pool and hot tub. Crazy stuff, Meg’s head was spinning.

The next day was free time, and the couples headed back to Ft. Worth. They saw a cattle drive in the Historic Stockyard District, complete with cowboys, and cowgirls, too!

Aren’t they cute?

In fact, was was so enamored of the Longhorn, she climbed up on one!

Let the record indicate I merely wanted to stand by the longhorn at first, but was convinced it would be much better sitting up on it, away from the horns.

And so did Dave and Missy:

Meg managed to find time for some eclectic shopping:

She knows she’ll be heading to Rios for furniture if she moves down there. Everything was reclaimed wood, vintage accessories and cool pottery. LOVE!

And then it was on to the art show, and by art show, I mean the best one Meg ever attended. Seriously. Art, sculpture, glass, photography, jewelry. Beautiful and affordable, and there was music, margaritas and tacos.

There was a minor incident with a GPS on the way as believe it or not, we had to go back to Billy’s Bob’s country bar to take a shuttle to the downtown area. As we cruised past Ft. Worth, the ladies on the back seat commented to the men “hey the tall buildings are now to the back of us, as in you are heading AWAY from the city”. Not paying attention, the men cruised for another mile or so, whereupon we asked them, “are you listening to us?” and furthermore, what so you have typed in the GPS?”

Bill-Bob’s Barbecue is on the Las Vegas Trail in somewhere, Texas. Meg can guarantee you it was nowhere near where we really needed to be, nor was it the right name. So lesson learned men, you might think you are in love with that GPS voice, but you should listen to your wives who know the real scoop. Cause the GPS is nothing but a tramp.

All in all the family had fun on their trip, but they still have many life changing decisions to make. Just so you know, either deal we get from the top secret company is good, stay or go.

Lord, what to do?

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

This week, it came to Meg’s attention that brides to be have gone off the deep end. You know how everyone wants to lose a little weight before a wedding?

And right, even if you aren’t the bride, the bridesmaids, the parents, and the entire wedding party wants to lose weight, because who’s wants a professional photographer snapping away, taking crappy shots of you doing the chicken dance?

So this week, the New York Times featured the newest trend in bridal insanity:

You might think this is a seriously ill young lady, and you’d be half mostly right. She’s a bride that’s dissatisfied with her current dress size, and to combat her perceived weight issue, she’s decided to hook herself up to a FEEDING TUBE. The tube delivers 800 calories a day, ensuring the bride starves herself into the false size 8 she thinks she is. It also decidedly ensures some doctor who took a Hippocratic Oath, should have thought twice about attending medical school, and should be the star of a richly deserved commercial for car accidents and whiplash.

Meg remembers being a bride, and picking a dress she thought was fashionable and comfortable. There was no Vera Wang then, no Kleinfeld’s. It was just a regular bridal shop, not a multimedia experience. She mentally fast forwarded to the show “Say Yes To The Dress”, and was astounded at the people on the show that:

a. Insisted on wearing strapless dresses when they didn’t have the figure for it:

It’s just not the best look….

Or picked dresses that should be best thought of as a fantasy outfit for a “What Stays in Vegas” ceremony:

Umm, isn’t that the ho-bag label?

Meg saw an actual show one day on TLC, where the bride picked out a dress that had a shirred, bias bodice. Which meant all the materials were draped sideways and sewn intricately, with a straight strapless neckline. The bride to be stood in mirror wailing inconsolably, saying, I WANTED A SWEETHEART NECKLINE.

She cried and sobbed and carried on, and yet, she PICKED OUT AND BOUGHT THIS DRESS knowing it didn’t have those features. The seamstress, to her credit, managed to craft this idiot’s dress to turn out semi-sweetheart, and Meg’s favorite part was then she walked down the aisle withe the dress of her dreams, the audience could see nothing but her bathing suit tan lines. Right. After all that, she walked down the aisle, and the only neckline you could see was the one from the halter strap bathing suit.

In fact, it looked much like this:

Meg almost thought these chicks from the Gypsy wedding show looked better:

And honestly, doesn’t the guy you are marrying already like you the way you are? Yeesh.

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

Meg knows one thing, and that is that she’s a girl that needs to have all her parts in the right place. Meg needs a good bra to hoist the girls in place, she needs Spanx for a dressy dress, and she needs her head on perfectly straight to watch the news. Shall we peruse what’s going on this week, and see why Meg might need Spanx for her brain?

Boo hoo, Miley. You whine the press is after you, yet you leave your house barely clothed to go shopping. You’ve got an Iron Maiden shirt on, and you look the part of a 70′s groupie. Way amp up the fashion Miley! P.S. You do need underwear for a mini-dress, especially if you climb into a limo.

Oh where to begin with this one:

Meg has never seen the Simon Cowell show the X-Factor, but apparently Britney Spears is about to join the show as a judge of talent. I’ll repeat that. Britney Spears is about to become a judge of talent. I rest my case on that one.

Look who has a new boyfriend:

Kim and Kanye! Is Kim even divorced for the dolt she married for 72 days? Does anyone think she should run off to a deserted island and live happily ever after on a sand bar devoid of mascara?

Lord, help us if these are the new American icons for women.

Shall we watch someone who should be everyone’s icon, Miss Tina Fey?

And Simon Cowell, I personally am going to strangle you if you let Britney chew gum on air. We can only hope she doesn’t stick it under the judging table.

©2012 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.