Can Men Dress Themselves?

Or is it really because they are colorblind?

Meg often wonders which is really the case. Recently, she has noticed her husband coming home from work wearing all sorts of weirdly matched clothing. Green khakis with a purple hued shirt, and the ever problematic “I thought this was navy blue but I guess it’s black, right honey?“, which can result in what Meg considers the deadliest fashion sin of all, black pants with brown shoes. Add the brown belt to that, and let’s call it a full fledged disaster.

Meg has considered that colorblindness might be the problem so she did some research.

It turns out that 8 percent of men are considered color blind, whereas women only weigh in at .05 percent, or 1 in 200.

According to the Atlantic Monthly:

“It’s treated as a joke, even among the celebrity colorblind. Didn’t you know Mark Zuckerberg made Facebook blue because it’s the easiest color for him to see? If Van Gogh had normal color vision, would his paintings have looked more or less intense? Is defective vision the reason why Bill Clinton has trouble seeing stains? Colorblind men clash ties when they dress, buy unripe bananas for breakfast, and mix up subway lines on their way to work. They get confused by line graphs during meetings, and try to push through the red “occupied” signs on bathroom doors. To a colorblind man, the red lipstick you’re wearing might not be that impressive, but neither will your blemishes.”

Well, that part about the blemishes and good skin is a relief! Does this mean I might never need Botox or Restalyne, either?

Meg decided to test herself for colorblindness just to see how on top of her game she was. Needless to say, she passed with flying colors? Get it?

Her husband, not so much.

It seems these kinds of colors are problematic for him:

color_blind_test

You guys know you’re supposed to see a number 2, right?

Well, it strengthened the fact Meg just needs to be more proactive in the morning to ensure her husband is not actually applying for an internship at the Barnum & Bailey circus ringmaster school.

While she was reading all the fun facts about color blindness, she came across a few that were interesting:

#44 Many colorblind people have problems with matching clothes and buying ripe bananas.

Which is OK, because we hate bananas in this household, unless they have been pulverized into submission in a banana bread.

#13 Dogs are not colorblind.

Well, clearly, I’m going to have to get Jack to start his new job as a valet starting tomorrow.

jack_prowling-for_clothes

Good boy Jack! Bark if your owner picks out the wrong shirt. There’s a treat in it for you.


Meg Returns From Vacation

Or, how I put the Blahhhg into my Blog since I returned from vacation!

Blurg, Blahg, Burble.

Those were the sounds of Meg’s stomach and digestive track for the last several weeks. Almost four weeks ago, Meg was returning from her lovely New England vacation, and dined at a famous seafood establishment at Boston’s Logan airport. After eating at Schmegal Leefoods, she proceeded to step off the plane and get violently ill with food poisoning; as in a one week diet consisting of gingerale and protein bars. She was super glad the staff told her they stayed up drinking and partying all night and were performing their jobs like zombies, because Meg is sure that attention to detail in the kitchen (such as salmonella growing on food) contributed to her month long malaise.

Anyway, a newly trim Meg has some vacation photos to share, and a slightly sunnier outlook than she had at the end of July:

First stop: Boston

Meg loves how the old Custom House Tower shines above the modern buildings:

Onward to Cape Cod, where the official flower was in bloom everywhere:

Hi Mom! Thanks for hosting us!

Needless to say a boat ride on a sunny day was in order, so we decided Martha’s Vineyard was the spot to be. We sailed right into the middle of a regatta. That’s right, not a boat race, a regatta.

Right? Who needs a lobster roll, raise your hand!

Meg did not realize how much she missed lobster until she had no access to it, so she pretty much ate seafood every single day.

They took a tour of the historic Methodist campground, where tiny little Victorian cottages were decked out in their summer outfits of colorful flowers:

Precious Porches, indeed!

How could Meg not enter this enchanting bookstore?

I want this view. I demand to see this out my window every day:

And yes, hats are needed when you are by the ocean, because you have no idea what salt water can do to one’s hair.

At the end of a beautiful day, the Super Moon beckoned us to take a walk on the beach:

The next stop was Maine. Land of the big lighthouse:

And cute little baby lighthouses:

Land of the lobster:

And where you can still find a real fountain coke:

She also appreciated those guys in Maine that bought Meg and her husband some beers one rainy afternoon, and proceeded to explain in detail how there “wall of shame” worked. It was pretty simple. You get too shitfaced, and you basically got kicked out. There was a prominent entry that said “Dallas Cowboys jacket guy”. Everyone remembered him getting thrown out onto the sidewalk and Meg thinks to this day anyone with Dallas gear would get thrown out for just showing up. So don’t parade around on Commercial St. in Portland with your Texas gear, OK?

Meg appreciates the beauty of New England each time she goes home, as well as all the other quirky things like Wise Potato chips, decent hot dogs with real split top buns, and people that say “HOWAHYA”? And especially bars with walls of shame. Sigh.


Where I’m Arrested for Blog Abandonment!

Meg has NOT abandoned her blog, as much as it looks like it lately!

For the past month she has spent time in New Hampshire, Boston, New York City, and gathering 60 gifts for teenagers at a local orphanage in Texas. Whew!

She is popping in to wish her beloved peeps Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and that she will be back with more Lone Star tales, in 2014! Remind her to write about about how a volunteering for a charity became a Lindsay Lohan movie, say something along the line of ‘Mean Girls”.

Meg knows you’ll want to hear about that little drama, and she’ll be MORE than happy to fill you in on that escapade.

In the meantime, Meg leaves you with a little photo of the couple posing near the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, which was decidedly a great experience!

Be well and Merry Christmas!


Words That Annoy Me.

Recently Slate magazine had an article on words people hate. Curiously, the word that triggered the most reaction was the word “moist”.

moist
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition of moist
1. wet, wettish
Synonyms: clammy, damp, dampish, dank, dewy, dripping, drippy, drizzly, humid, irriguous, muggy, not dry, oozy, rainy, soggy, teary, watery

Meg was a little surprised about that one, until she read all the synonyms associated with moist, because she hates to think
of herself as dank and oozy on a summer day. Think about it? Do you want to read a blog entry that’s titled “Welcome to Meg’s first oozy summer in Texas?”

mush
Part of Speech: noun
Definition of mush
1. a thick porridge made with cornmeal boiled in water or milk
2. something soft and spongy or shapeless
Synonyms: batter, dough, mash, pulp, slush

Meg not only hates food gone mushy in her vegetable bin, she hates being called a “mush brain“. Which apparently was considered a term of endearment about 30 or so years ago by an old boyfriend. Which definitely explains why he became “old” and and went from “boyfriend” status to “persona non grata. Meg assures you her brain never consisted of porridge.

pant·ie
noun \pan-t\
plural pant·ies
Definition of PANTIE
1. a woman’s or child’s undergarment covering the lower trunk and made with closed crotch —usually used in plural

Meg detests this word. It absolutely makes her cringe. It’s underwear, OK. Simply a pair of underwear. Don’t call it anything else.

nekkid
– no thesaurus results

Thank GOD there is no Thesaurus result for this word. Meg frequently hears this term in reference to the temperature of various places in Texas. Let Meg use it in a sentence, OK? “Oh my stars y’all, I’ll have to get nekkid in here if you don’t turn up the air conditioning.” To which she then prays someone *does* turn it up.

ma’am
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: a title of address
Synonyms: Frau, Mrs.., dame, ma’am, madame, madonna, marm, señora, signora

The other day Meg was called “ma’am” at least 20 times in one conversation. Whereupon she had to look at the guy straight in the eye and tell him to please STOP STOP STOP STOP. Meg is not goddamn Aunt Bea from Mayberry, so don’t talk to her like she’s in the middle of baking a pie for Sheriff Andy. Just call her Meg, OK?

Needless to say Meg’s list could go on, but like George Carlin, there are at least 7 words she can’t list here. But Meg wonders, what is the word that makes you stop in your tracks as you watch your head torque off the ceiling?


Passages

I’m back from California, and have had major writer’s block for an entire week. Actually, what I needed to do was process and sort out everything that happened over the nine days I was away.

The trip started with Mom coming to visit me in Texas and seeing the house for the first time! She was extremely delighted to see that I do not live on a dry prairie full of tumbleweeds, nor a house surrounded by a corral. No guns racks, either! Mom *was* surprised by the “megachurches” that loom up out of the horizon, with a cattle farm next door and a place that looks like Southfork next to that. What can I say about the zoning laws here? That’s right, there are NONE. Everyone does what they want, including smoke inside public places. (I’m still not over that.)

A few days later we took our journey to California. We landed in Corona del Mar, and the next morning, we got a call my that cousin Sally had passed a few hours earlier. We did not get a chance to say that final goodbye, but we took comfort in knowing *she* knew we were coming.

Late last fall, Sally and her husband took what they thought would be her last trip to Cape Cod. There we had a big Italian dinner overlooking the water, and enjoyed a LOT of laughs and shed a few tears:

We were touched we had one last weekend to spend with her and reminisce about all the vacations we spent in Nantucket. Family and friends would ferry over every Memorial Day and spend a glorious week by the ocean, eating, drinking, sitting on the beach, and telling ghost stories at night.

It’s hard to imagine she is gone. I can still hear her laugh and her signature line “God that is just so cute!” If there was one thing Sally liked to do, it was shop and decorate, and there was NOTHING she didn’t think was cute.


And yes, we even dressed alike in the worst of 80’s fashions. And yes, that is me in stirrup pants.

The other mission we undertook in California was visiting with Mom’s sister, my Aunt Mary. To unfold the entire story of her life would take numerous blog posts, but the short story is she was estranged from our family for many years. Not too long ago, my Mom was contacted by a young girl who said she was Mary’s daughter. We were all blessed to meet her and it was her appearance in our lives that facilitated contact with Mary.

Sadly, Mary is wheelchair bound and in an assisted living facility with a disease similar to Lou Gehrig’s. She was been slowly losing her motor skills, and can no longer dress, feed or bathe herself. Her sense of humor is still intact and she knows EVERYTHING about pop culture. You should have seen her laugh when I mentioned Kim and Kanye’s baby!

What is so sad is that she cannot communicate. She can get some words out, but it’s easier to have a conversation and let her listen
and react. We heroically got her out to lunch in a beautiful restaurant by the Dana Point Harbor, and she heartily enjoyed her lunch. When I left that day I hugged her and told her I loved her, and I suspect we both knew this would be the last time we would each other. I cannot forget feeding her and the joy she took in being out with her family; it made me take stock of life. I wish we could have all the years she was away back again.

A million words of wisdom and sayings came to mind this past week, but the Cherokee proverb expresses it simply. It does no good to dwell on the past, but launch yourself into the day, and live it the best way you can.

But I will still remember Mary as she was:


Mary, me and Mom at my college graduation. And yes, I am really brunette.

Vintage Mary.

And thanks everyone, for listening today.


Where I’m Off and Running. Sort Of.

Meg has been busy with family the past few days; she is heading to California with her Mom to visit several sick relatives.

Sadly, it’s the kind of sick where you say your goodbyes and know you aren’t going to be seeing the person again. It’s been stressful and sad and it’s her duty to make sure things get done the right way.

Anyway, Meg will be back in blog land in a couple of weeks; don’t fret. Please keep Meg and her family in your thoughts as we take that journey that no one really wants to go on.