It’s Just Surreal!

It turns out there were several “words of the year” in 2016, one of them being “surreal”. Apparently Meg has been living in a suspended state of surrealism where the world spins on it’s axis and elects an egomaniacal sociopath to the highest office in the land.

surreal2

There were a few runners up as well:

other_trends

Shall we use all of them in a sentence now?

It’s a conundrum that Donald Trump got elected. That day in November will live in infamy for the surreal circumstances, and all Meg can say is “Godspeed and good f**king luck”.

Well, that felt good. What is surreal, is that she predicted that this could possibly happen several years ago:

headlines_never_wished

Yeah, apparently Twitter has an excellent memory, and remembered Meg tweeted out an “Agent Orange” joke FIVE years ago. You can read about her chat with the Philly Voice and see how Meg’s prediction went from a joke, to horribly true.

Meg literally has not been able to post this blog for the past month, as she can’t keep up with the shit that is going on. Today she saw a plea from our POTUS to “pray for the ratings of the “Apprentice“. Surely those in attendance at the National Prayer Breakfast dropped right to their knees to give him an “Amen”! Or at least a holy crap?

Meg feels like a lot unfolds each and every day, and none of it very good. When someone says Frederick Douglass’ contributions are becoming more and more well known, it does make me think that *someone* in the administration do not know Douglass has been dead since 1895. Is it that hard to get a fact straight for Black History Month? Is it too much to ask a world leader to study history, philosophy and religion for a more nuanced and balanced world view, and not focus on the Nielsen ratings?

In the meantime we can always rely on this to make our day a little brighter and less stressful:

MAKA

That’s right, it may not be unicorns and glitter, but downloading this handy app to replace Trumpsters likeness with a kitten can truly get us through a tough day!

Honestly, this reminds Meg never to put anything in writing for fear it could come true. She cannot jinx our country like this again. Wait, wait? What if she says he’ll probably be impeached? Meg can live with that. Totally.


The Path to Heaven

…is your local business directory.

Recently Meg became aware of a local business directory from a very popular church, one that people keep asking her to join.

It’s highly unlikely Meg will join this church, but she may perform a social experiment and see what all the fuss is about. In the meantime she diligently tries to be open and find out what possibly may be of interest to her if she attends services there.

Will she be uplifted?
Will her soul be fed?
Will she break out into jazz hands and shout Hallelujah?

She thinks it’s most likely she would need a VERY strong Bloody Mary after Sunday services, based on come of the things she read in the church business directory.

Buy a service for your neighbor from the directory.
Post on Facebook and Twitter.
Place signs in your yard at Christmas and Easter.

Now all these are pretty innocuous, right? And good for the church for being on social media! Can you picture your local parish priest Facebooking while in the confessional or at the communion rail? I guess if everyone was whipping out their phones it might just cause heaven to crash. And how we we reboot it?

All listed business have pledged to adhere to the biblical principles of running a business, including stewardship, financial responsibility and a biblically based resolution process.

1. Serve the LORD with your heart and SOUL.
2. Conduct business according to GOD’s WORD.
3. Practice personal integrity and be CHRISTLIKE to your employees and customers.
4. Never promote products or materials that advertise illegal services, pornographic content, gaming or CONTENDING FAITH’S.

This is where things fall apart for Meg. I don’t get if you own a tree service, an air conditioning business, or you are an accountant or lawyer that somehow God’s Word comes into play. Aren’t businesses successful because of solid financial practices and general common sense?

I especially don’t get the phrase “CONTENDING FAITH“. Does this mean all other faith’s and walks of religion are bad? Does this mean the Yoga studio where I say Namaste and for one hour immerse myself into a Buddhist trance is really the devil’s workshop? Does this mean that you can’t associate with people of other beliefs because you want to live in your own insulated little world, never knowing the beauty of diversity?

Meg still struggles with the fact so many people study the Bible here, and cherry pick quotes from it. I mean everyone here has a favorite quote, and it’s never from someone like Thomas Jefferson, Maya Angelou or Kurt Vonnegut.

Scripture is huge in Texas, just like Friday night football. Both are a religion, but you can’t run your life by it, can you?

She is still pondering the biblically based business resolution model, and all she can come up with is an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. And if Meg sees a one eyed shop owner, she’s going to run for the hills.


Greetings and Salutations!

Or, as I like to refer to this topic, how to be as NICE or as ANAL in the briefest way possible.

How you you greet your friends or colleagues in an email? Is it Hi or Good Morning? Or now that we all text, it more like:

How RU? IM ROTFL LMAO.

(PS. Many years ago I thought I would have to get advice from the Navajo Code Breakers to figure all this stuff out).

Meg has a credo, and that is choose your opening lines in business correspondence wisely. Meg’s greetings are good morning or afternoon, followed by her request. She learned a long time ago that even the simple appearance of being nice can go a long way, and she never launched into a request without some sort of social grace framing it.

Meg never knew what to think about the boss that opened every memo with:

Meg. Hello.

Like are you a robot or something? What the hell is that? And then the request was something crazy like do an entire estimate on a project in less than an hour. On Christmas Eve. I think that actually happened the day I was leaving that job, which explains it all.

If Meg had something difficult to discuss, many times, she would just pop into the person’s office and give it the personal touch. Or email the person saying:

Hi, can we get together later this afternoon to go over a few things?”

It’s a nice, non-defensive way to open up a dialog and get things off on the right foot.

And how to get on the wrong foot? Anyone ever get a note that said this?

So Meg’s boss left this note on an empty pendaflex, which formerly had a file in it. The empty folder was sitting in a locked cabinet amongst 600 + other employee personnel files. You see, Meg’s offense was that she had LEFT that empty folder in the file drawer after she pulled the confidential folder and sent it off to the person’s new department.

Meg’s job required her to cover 600 people in 22 buildings, making time for people on second and third shifts, using translators for those employees that did no speak English, and even using sign language interpreters! She also had to cover phones for three other people, and blah blah, blah. But this woman considered it a major offense that an empty pendaflex was left behind in a file cabinet.

Since then, Meg has learned to phrase “see me” is used because it’s more about the person having their own hangups and issues. The last time someone emailed Meg “see me”, she casually waited several hours and popped into the person’s office, with a cheerful, “did you need me for something?” She felt she diffused the person’s little temper tantrum by waiting and simply not reacting to such a juvenile request.

Meg would love to know if you have a phrase that you find ridiculous like this one.

In the meantime, Meg sends you her very best regards for a fabulous day. If she just said “regards” you know she’d be pissed at you. It’s all in the BEST people.


Texas Potpourri for $1000

Meg is full of Texasisms today, which is why she has raised the stakes of fake Jeopardy to $1000.

So far Meg has not gone down the path of saying “y’all”. She reserves her four letter words for people she knows are from other parts of the country and are sobbing like herself; she is aware the basic way we transplants communicate has fundamentally changed. In a recent example, a family member queried a new co-worker with the thought “when is the last time you hear someone say no shit?”

Umm, never?

In any case, Meg would like to proudly announce she has voted in her first Texas election. She went armed with all of her identification, voter ID cards, and the like. As she walked into the precinct, she had her choice of voting Republican or Democrat. As you have probably determined from her blog, Meg is a pretty solid Democrat, although she has crossed party lines on occasion.

In any case, she strolled to her designated table and said she’d like a ballot. The nice people pointed to the Republican table over on the other side of the room. Meg has to firmly announce “this might be a surprise, but I know I’m in the right spot. You are my people, OK?

And with that, Wendy Davis got another vote. It’s the best I can do, OK? I can’t exactly run Ted Cruz out of town, at least not yet.

In the “I’m still going to get you to be a member of my church“, Meg received a copy of this:

In it, you are supposed to read a passage a day about the 7 deadly sins and how to avoid them. Meg is POSITIVE this was drilled into her in the many CCD classes she attended during her very Catholic upbringing. She does not feel the need for a refresher course, she thinks she lives a pretty good life, where kindness and tolerance are practiced daily. She tucks her halo into her purse so no one sees the ring around her head, though. No sense showing the bling and making others jealous.

Finally, Meg has been telling you about the lecture series she has been attending, which recently featured the topic “ Hot and Holy Sex”. Meg was unable to attend the last talk, but her trusty on the ground reporters gave her some notes that indicated if you are trying to combat anxiety and depression, there is no program that works other than Jesus. Can I get an Amen?

Meg suspects this could be true, if Jesus really did turn water into wine.

Finally, Meg found her way to her first tattoo parlor. She watched as her friends got some work done, but decided she could not think of anything meaningful to put on her body, other than a picture of Jack, her faithful Corgi. Meg thinks she’ll just look at his cute face in real life every day, and not on her butt. If the tattoo sagged he just wouldn’t be a corgi anymore, and it would be wrong to have him turn into a basset hound.


I Can’t Help Myself Friday. Politics, Pistols and Pizza.

Meg finds herself in the midst of her first political season in Texas. Let’s just say her observations have proven interesting, where interesting equals watching commercials with her mouth ajar.

Meg will give you her quick take on the most important subjects in TEXAS. She feels the need to capitalize TEXAS because the candidates EGOS here are SO effing LARGE.

Most important issues, in exact order:

1. GOD. (Cue angels trumpeting)
2. President Obama needs to stop attacking TEXAS values. (Plus he is the devil incarnate)
3. TEXAS needs to have plenty of border patrol people near Mexico. (Because it’s a third world in that part of TEXAS)
4. Make people show an ID when they vote, because voter fraud is rampant. (NOT)
5. Ensure gay people can’t get married by passing all kinds of crazy ass legislation. (Because the Bible says so)

That’s pretty much Meg’s takeaway of the campaign issues. Even though twenty-five percent of the people in the state of Texas have absolutely no medical insurance, that subject is oddly missing in any political discussion.

Rather than write about the commercials on TV Meg thought it would be fun for her reader’s to see how the candidates are using their social networks, and clearly Twitter is the best place to catch all of the bungling crisp, concise facts:

Dan Patrick is running for Lt. Governor, and apparently had quite the epic Twitter fail.

Poor intern took the hit for leaving that all important WO out of MAN.

I really do hope Jesus is helping out Dan:

David Dewhurst is also running for Lt. Governor, and is also freaking out about gay marriage as well:

David was a recent guest on Sean Hannity, where the two had a good laugh over the new map of the United States:

Apparently I come from “Yankee Land” that part of the U.S. that has the thumbs down symbol. Can you imagine Sean as Meg’s neighbor?

Finally, Meg will leave you with a little tidbit about the TEXAS Concealed Handgun law, which is creating super awesome buzz at local shooting ranges:

There are more than 35,000 women who are licensed to carry in Texas, or one out of four of all licensed gun owners in the state.
The Frisco Gun Club offers many accessories for the female gun owner — from purses to pink gun handles. “Our females are going to conceal a little bit differently than men do,” Johnson said. “They are going to use purses and different ways to conceal, so it really makes sense to have something that’s geared more toward the ladies.” Ladies Night has been so successful, the next event might be family night, with pistols and pizza and gun safety on tap.

Most all of the political candidates support expanding the open carry law, which means Texans can wear a pistol on their hips in public spaces.

Meg is trying to picture attending a festival, craft fair, or an antique show with people packing heat. And if they do, I think it should be mandatory to wear a bright pink holster, so I can run for the hills when I see it.

And that my friends, is the state of things in TEXAS. It going to be a bumpy election season kids, stayed tuned!


She Wore A Cross Your Heart…

bullet bra.

Meg got an email in the not too distant past about an old colleague that had passed away. And where, pray tell, does the “cross your heart bra come in?”. Well, she had a penchant for very tight polyester clothing, and very dark black hair. One could help not notice there were certain similarities to Jane Russell, and it seemed like pretty safe nickname to use.


Except this woman was the bad and ugly Jane Russell.

That person was in fact, Meg’s boss for a brief but memorable time. Memorable for the fact that each and every woman working under her barely escaped her wrath, and inevitably transferred to another part of the company as quickly as possible.

At first, the lively group of Human Resource assistant’s got a kick out of their boss. Although not the most attractive of people, “Jane” did seem to have a sense of humor. How quickly that changed when she was charged to manage six young and attractive girls. Let’s just say a lot of drama ensued.

“Jane” frequently dragged her minions into her office for slight offenses, or just to gab. Sometimes she regaled Meg with stories of menopause and how she was due for a “lube job“. Other times there were tales from the past; like the time she got a poison pen letter left on her desk. Ever the clever one, she told Meg she stayed after work one day and test drove each and every IBM selectric typewriter, just to see which one had the slightly shifted “s”. Because Jessica Fletcher from the dark side saw the fan letter contained a peculiar “s” and this was how she solved the mystery of the person that didn’t like her. She also advised Meg that her outfits were fabulous, but could be construed as snobby. Conversely, she said “don’t ever change.” Then she pulled a photo out of her wallet from sometime in the 40’s or 50’s, and said “just look at me here. Look at that dress. Look how gorgeous I was.” Sigh. “The problem was for me back then, I was just TOO beautiful.”

Ah, yeah. OK.

Jane’s obit was something to behold, because every other word was pious, holy, religious, faithful, catechism and ultimately the arms of God. There were things in there I’m quite sure were lies, and well, I guess if you write you own exit from this earth, you can say what you want about yourself.

When I see something like that, it kind of makes me sad. It seems at the end of one’s life, you would want meaningful words and sentences like “good sense of humor”, “kind to people and dogs”, “lived and experienced life to it’s fullest“. Will be missed.

Not “I am so fucking scared I won’t get into heaven that I’ll fudge my obituary so my resume looks good for the afterlife.” And well, that’s how it came across.

As Meg and her colleagues transferred out of Jane’s department, they threw themselves a big old party, and made funny speeches. Meg and her friend also made an eerie voodoo doll, all dressed in polyester, with a hand crafted bullet bra. The doll came with a set of sayings, one of which said “Jane leaves her colleagues a “cross your heart but never tell the truth bra“.

And so it turns out to be true in the afterlife, too.