It’s Just Surreal!

It turns out there were several “words of the year” in 2016, one of them being “surreal”. Apparently Meg has been living in a suspended state of surrealism where the world spins on it’s axis and elects an egomaniacal sociopath to the highest office in the land.

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There were a few runners up as well:

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Shall we use all of them in a sentence now?

It’s a conundrum that Donald Trump got elected. That day in November will live in infamy for the surreal circumstances, and all Meg can say is “Godspeed and good f**king luck”.

Well, that felt good. What is surreal, is that she predicted that this could possibly happen several years ago:

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Yeah, apparently Twitter has an excellent memory, and remembered Meg tweeted out an “Agent Orange” joke FIVE years ago. You can read about her chat with the Philly Voice and see how Meg’s prediction went from a joke, to horribly true.

Meg literally has not been able to post this blog for the past month, as she can’t keep up with the shit that is going on. Today she saw a plea from our POTUS to “pray for the ratings of the “Apprentice“. Surely those in attendance at the National Prayer Breakfast dropped right to their knees to give him an “Amen”! Or at least a holy crap?

Meg feels like a lot unfolds each and every day, and none of it very good. When someone says Frederick Douglass’ contributions are becoming more and more well known, it does make me think that *someone* in the administration do not know Douglass has been dead since 1895. Is it that hard to get a fact straight for Black History Month? Is it too much to ask a world leader to study history, philosophy and religion for a more nuanced and balanced world view, and not focus on the Nielsen ratings?

In the meantime we can always rely on this to make our day a little brighter and less stressful:

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That’s right, it may not be unicorns and glitter, but downloading this handy app to replace Trumpsters likeness with a kitten can truly get us through a tough day!

Honestly, this reminds Meg never to put anything in writing for fear it could come true. She cannot jinx our country like this again. Wait, wait? What if she says he’ll probably be impeached? Meg can live with that. Totally.


No, You Can’t Grab Anything, Donald.

It’s the blog post you never wanted to read, and the one Meg never wanted to write. She has finally got to the point in the election season that something needs to be said. Normally, Meg would have counted on Jon Stewart to frame those thoughts in a well paced video, but he had to go and retire. Sigh.

So let’s unleash the elephant called Donald Trump. Oh wait, he has already unleashed himself on America for the last 18 months, baffling many, pleasing untold others. It would not surprise anyone to know I put him, to put it gently, in the baffling category. But here’s where the rubber met the road for Meg:

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Who would have guessed Billy Bush could bring a presidential campaign to its knees? But Billy and Donald’s little behind-the-scenes bro-fest apparently has done just that. I wish I knew where to begin! Is it the sound of Donald dumping Tic-Tac’s in his sweaty hand, thinking of kissing “Days of Our Lives” star Arianne Zucker? Is it Billy Bush cackling and shouting “and the Donald has scored!“? Is it the forced hugging? Oh not wait, it’s this:


I can just grab them by the P___Y.

That pretty much sent Meg off the ceiling, out the door and into some dimension that hadn’t even been discovered yet. After all the months Trump that has denigrated women, calling them, pigs, slobs, describing a network anchor with “blood coming out of her whatever“. The P___Y statement went far, far beyond the pale.

This “locker room” discussion had Meg flash back to a moment during her college days; she was walking back to her car after her last class of the day was over. It was a sunny fall afternoon; the parking lot was close to the student center, seemingly safe and where she always parked. She headed to her car and remembers seeing a white van cruising by.

(Pardon me as I switch from my usual funny third person vernacular, to first person for this paragraph:)

As I opened my door and entered the car, one of the occupants from that van was quickly making a beeline across the lot. Towards me. I managed to slam my door shut, but not before this asshole grabbed my crotch. That’s right, some stranger, someone I never had met, assaulted me in broad daylight. And just as quick as that, the person sprinted away leaving me shaking, thinking what I could have done to prevent that from happening? What made someone think they could touch me like that? By the way, I was dressed in grey wool slacks, a white blouse with a lace collar, and a black jacket. How provocative could that have been?

I could not help being brought back to my 20 year old self in 1978, and feeling completely defenseless as Donald Trump and Billy Bush bantered about touching women, grabbing them and kissing them, and thinking the whole thing was “in good fun“. I guess it took a light-hearted entertainment show to show the true colors of both of these men. One is now suspended from his network TV show, and the other continues to run for President of the United States.

I hope women vote their conscience this coming election. I know who I am casting my vote for, and it won’t be someone that says they can grab my P___Y.


I Can’t Help Myself Friday. Politics, Pistols and Pizza.

Meg finds herself in the midst of her first political season in Texas. Let’s just say her observations have proven interesting, where interesting equals watching commercials with her mouth ajar.

Meg will give you her quick take on the most important subjects in TEXAS. She feels the need to capitalize TEXAS because the candidates EGOS here are SO effing LARGE.

Most important issues, in exact order:

1. GOD. (Cue angels trumpeting)
2. President Obama needs to stop attacking TEXAS values. (Plus he is the devil incarnate)
3. TEXAS needs to have plenty of border patrol people near Mexico. (Because it’s a third world in that part of TEXAS)
4. Make people show an ID when they vote, because voter fraud is rampant. (NOT)
5. Ensure gay people can’t get married by passing all kinds of crazy ass legislation. (Because the Bible says so)

That’s pretty much Meg’s takeaway of the campaign issues. Even though twenty-five percent of the people in the state of Texas have absolutely no medical insurance, that subject is oddly missing in any political discussion.

Rather than write about the commercials on TV Meg thought it would be fun for her reader’s to see how the candidates are using their social networks, and clearly Twitter is the best place to catch all of the bungling crisp, concise facts:

Dan Patrick is running for Lt. Governor, and apparently had quite the epic Twitter fail.

Poor intern took the hit for leaving that all important WO out of MAN.

I really do hope Jesus is helping out Dan:

David Dewhurst is also running for Lt. Governor, and is also freaking out about gay marriage as well:

David was a recent guest on Sean Hannity, where the two had a good laugh over the new map of the United States:

Apparently I come from “Yankee Land” that part of the U.S. that has the thumbs down symbol. Can you imagine Sean as Meg’s neighbor?

Finally, Meg will leave you with a little tidbit about the TEXAS Concealed Handgun law, which is creating super awesome buzz at local shooting ranges:

There are more than 35,000 women who are licensed to carry in Texas, or one out of four of all licensed gun owners in the state.
The Frisco Gun Club offers many accessories for the female gun owner — from purses to pink gun handles. “Our females are going to conceal a little bit differently than men do,” Johnson said. “They are going to use purses and different ways to conceal, so it really makes sense to have something that’s geared more toward the ladies.” Ladies Night has been so successful, the next event might be family night, with pistols and pizza and gun safety on tap.

Most all of the political candidates support expanding the open carry law, which means Texans can wear a pistol on their hips in public spaces.

Meg is trying to picture attending a festival, craft fair, or an antique show with people packing heat. And if they do, I think it should be mandatory to wear a bright pink holster, so I can run for the hills when I see it.

And that my friends, is the state of things in TEXAS. It going to be a bumpy election season kids, stayed tuned!


It Really *IS* Dickensian.

dick·en·si·an
/di-kenz-en/
Adjective
Of or reminiscent of the novels of Charles Dickens, esp. in suggesting the poor social conditions or comically repulsivecharacters.

Is it really possible Charles Dickens could have foreshadowed Anthony Weiner’s public demise a century and a half ago? And could there not be a more appropriate adjective than Dickensian?

Just when you thought poor Huma Abedin had put herself through enough therapy, her husband pulls a Carlos Danger and appears to have never stopped snapping photos of his d**k and sexting his way across the United States.

Here are a few of Weiner’s creative notes on his Twitter nom de plume:

I know. GAH!

Maybe his Twitter handle could have been “Fagin” from Oliver Twist? Perfect literary metaphor!

Does it make you wonder how he had time to run for MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY? I mean, imagine him governing a city, a city with the world’s most famous phallic symbol?

The New Yorker and I had this spot on, apparently.

My fake husband Jon Stewart has been on vacation this summer, but his colleague John Oliver has been doing a standup job over at the Daily Show:

And Kristen Chenoweth did a brilliant take on her role in Wicked, repurposing the lyrics of “Popular”, to perfectly suit the situation:

Well, at least New Yorker’s are going to get a discount on their gym memberships this month:

Over at Slate, you can pop your name into the Carlos Danger name generator. And so help me, if I catch my husband using the Twitter handle Paco Calamity, he is so dead.


Where I Interrupt Your Holiday With a Public Service Announcement.

Meg unpacking is going swell, and by swell, it means her feet are swollen and puffy. No matter, she’ll survive and be back in her saddle pronto (Ha! Look at her cracking all these Texas jokes already!)

Meg would like to interrupt her house duties and holiday preparations for a brief PSA:

Meg cannot even imagine how shattered the community of Newtown, Connecticut is.

Oh wait, she can imagine.

Here is her beautiful niece:

Meg’s niece was on campus when the Virginia Tech shooting occurred. For many hours that day, we did not know where she was, or if she was alive. It was her freshman year. Thereafter, she lived off campus and accelerated her classes to graduate early and get the heck out of there.

Here is Gabby Giffords:

Meg’s blogger friend Suzi, who writes so eloquently over at The Burrow was a shooting victim in Tucson. Suzi was accompanied by the beautiful, young 9 year old Christina Taylor Smith, who perished on that sunny Southwest morning. They were just trying to meet their congresswoman and teach Christina about American government. Instead, they were riddled with bullets.

Meg finds it astounding she knows several people who were at the scenes of horrific massacres; ones where automatic weapons were unleashed by mentally ill people. Is it becoming commonplace to expect your friends and loved ones to come under fire at the most innocuous of places? Is nowhere sacred?

Meg knows this: Those types of guns only have a place on a battlefield. Let’s not let our country disintegrate into one, shall we? Check out Demand A Plan and see how you can help end gun violence.


I Can’t Help Myself Friday. The Silver Foot Edition .

I’m not sure who’s the gift that keeps on giving this Presidential primary season, but you’d think Mitt Romney could take advantage of the crazy ass field of candidates. Yet, he every time he’s off script he just can’t help himself:


Damn right Jack rides in a car. On a leopard blanket.

Let’s start with how he treats the family pooch. Who puts their dog on top of a car for an extensive road trip to CANADA? Why he does! This story has been floating around for years in these parts, but once he decided to run, it became national news.

And I can totally get on board with wearing one of these buttons:

There was the famous $10,000 bet with Rick Perry. Most people would bet a beer (or his his case Diet Coke?), but he bet a briefcase full of cash! Tra la!

I’ve always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will. I began when I was 15 or so and I have hunted those kinds of varmints since then. More than two times.”

Recently Mitt attended the Daytona 500, where he mentioned his wife drove several Cadillacs, most likely purchased from his NASCAR team-owning friends.

Let’s get Jon Stewart’s take on all that Mitt, with a little Rick thrown in for fun:

Does it seem like Mitt Romney is channeling Thurston Howell III?? With Lovie right by his side? Does their future include a remake of Gilligan’s Island?

All I know is, if he came to my front, door, I’d tell Jack to bite him in the ass. Good boy, Jack!