CBS regularly features “Our own chef Katie Lee“. SHE IS NOT A FREAKING CHEF! STOP CALLING HER ONE.

Bon Appetit, a usually stellar magazine, cited actress Gwyneth Paltrow in their August issue as not only an actress, but as a LIFESTYLE GURU as well! Really? I having a hard time deciding which role is the oxymoron, but here’s an example of of Gwyneth’s cleanse diet for shedding holiday pounds:

DAY ONE

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water*
1:30pm (lunch): Salad with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds
6pm (dinner): Broccoli and Arugula Soup
*Make sure that the coconut water has no added sugar. Fresh is ideal but the brands Zico or Vita Coco are readily available.

LAST STEP: Order pizza with works after going insane trying to do this.

Oh crap, Elisabeth Hasselbeck wasn’t on LOST, that was SURVIVOR! But who doesn’t wish she would have gotten killed by the smoke monster?

The New York Times style page ran a lengthy feature called “Snooki’s Time”. Can I just ask time for what? Oh right, Gym, tan, laundry. Bar fight. Late night hot tub antics. Repeat.

All I know, it’s Friday and it’s time for cocktails. And oxymorons be damned.

Have a great weekend!

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The festival always has an amazing array of music ranging from gospel, bluegrass and polka, as well as Irish and Quebecois fiddlers. There are displays of art and crafts and a street designed just for kids to play in. There is also an abundance of food that includes Thai, Jamaican, and my personal favorite, Greek. There is tons of ice cream, lemonade and well placed beer and wine tents. It is an remarkable event in which people are cheerful, outgoing and enthusiastic.

Here are some of the highlights of the day:

The Steep Canyons Ranchers got the day going!

I thought this woman looked stunning with her colorful umbrella!

Dogs like to have fun here too!

Some even match their pets perfectly!

The volunteer staff is the heart and soul of the festival, which relies on donations, as it’s a FREE event!

Isn’t she just perfect?

This couple was enjoying an impromptu polka!

This gentleman was demonstrating the steel drums, which originated in Trinidad and Tobago.

We liked the Hotclub of Cowtown!

This family liked them too!

I loved all the colorful and eclectic outfits!

Body art was prominently displayed everywhere!

I also saw some interesting “do’s”!

Every year I go, I am impressed with the music, dance, art and food. Most of all I am amazed that tens of thousands of diverse people can come out and celebrate with their families and for one day, laugh and enjoy themselves without a care in the world. It captures the spirit of America, and in the very best of ways.

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Friday night I dreamt I was in a small airport changing flights to someplace nice. (I don’t fly to crappy places in my dreams, people!) When lo and behold, while changing planes, I ran into the Queen of England.

How lucky for me to have such close access to the Royal Family! It’s not every day you bump into the Windsors, right?

But that wasn’t the best part. I was so close to the Queen, I could see every detail of her outfit. And that outfit consisted of a tank top and shorts. She was flying casual that day, evidenced by the fact that her hair was up in a clip. Not a bejeweled kind, the plastic ones like the rest of us wear.

But here was the best part. I was so close to the Queen, I could see her tattoo. That right, she was tatted up.

And it looked a little like this:

In my dream, I was a tad surprised by her laid-back attitude, and was reluctant to whip out my camera phone. I really did want to show the world the Queen was just like us, but was afraid her royal contingent would think my snapping photos was rude.

And I remember thinking, well, maybe the tattoo is there in case they lose the Queen? But that’s silly, how do you lose track of that crown, that scepter, that giant oaf of a husband Prince Philip?

That my friends, is the mystery of the unconscious mind. If anyone can figure this out, please let me know. In the meantime, I’m going to try and run a program in my brain that tells me I merely have a very active and colorful imagination.

Sweet dreams!

©2010 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

Jimmy Kimmel is spot on comparing Sarah Palin to Don King, and hopefully she won’t refudiate that:

As if the Palin family isn’t giving me enough material lately, Bristol Palin is so proud of Levi for getting his GED, and “what not“. And supporting her and Tripp emotionally and financially, and “what not“. Which I think secretly means what not to do is freaking marry him, Bristol! Although I would love you to piss your mother off, that would make me happy.

Lest we neglect the written word, here are a few sentences from the website snopes.com and their mangled English section:

and they have this world wind romance going…
there was no four play so I wasn’t very turned on…
will there be negative percussions from this?…

Yes, I predict there will be percussions if the American public doesn’t learn to speak and spell properly.

Lastly, I think it’s important for spiritual institutions to guide their followers to a righteous path of spelling:

Otherwise, what are we to think of the adult classes offered?

Have a fabulous weekend, readers!

©2010 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

So of course I completely feel like the girl who finds out the guy at the next locker really likes her! I’m thirteen again, or I’ve just channeled Sally Field. (GACK) You really like me?

In keeping with the spirit of a beautiful blogger, I need to thank the person who bestowed the badge, tell you some things you may not know about me, and point you in the direction of 5 bloggers you might not otherwise have known about!

First of all, let me thank Nance at Mature Landscaping for bestowing this gift! If you haven’t read her blog, please get thee to it quickly. She writes the sharpest, most insightful, and well thought out posts. She will get your mind going and wheels turning, and bring a smile to your face at the same time.

Now, let me channel my inner Virginia Woolf and tell you some “stuff” about me:

I don’t have kids, but always wanted to. We battled infertility for many years before coming to realize children weren’t meant to be. I still think about it a lot. I am the oldest child in my family, and for many years was a people pleaser. Turning 50 meant it was time to please myself, in the best of ways! When I was twelve my neighbor used to drag me into her house because I was the only person on the block who could understand and discuss the Watergate hearings. My very first job out of college was in a personnel department, and I conducted benefits orientation for new employees. My first year, I did orientation for a deaf person and their interpreter, another in Portuguese, and one for a transgendered person. It was a really interesting job that taught me a lot. In the 80’s, I had a secret addiction to “All My Children”. Yes, the one with Erica Kane. I actually moderated an on-line group dedicated to all things AMC, and I nicknamed a character on the show that was used on-air. I have since overcome that addiction. I always wondered if I wrote a blog, would anyone read it? To my surprise, I have an amazing group of bloggy friends I love to read and correspond with! I am heading to NYC in August to meet some of them, too!

OK, enough crap about me, let’s move on to the next order of business, and that is to put forth some blogs that are fairly new to me that you should know about.

The Burrow
Ashleigh is a domestic goddess from the Southwest, who write lovingly about her Mom, aka G’ma, and the issues we all face as a parent ages. She also does her best to garden in extreme heat!

Laundry Hurts My Feelings
When you go to Joann’s blog, martini glasses appear on her links. What’s not to love about that? She is a woman that’s funny, loves her family, and whose novel I can’t wait to read.

Bern This
Jessica Bern is a transplanted New Yorker who is an actress in L.A. Her web series is hilarious, and will provide you with hours of entertainment. She is laugh out loud funny!

Ducks Mahal
I’m going out on a limb and guessing Audubon Ron would not be insulted to be called beautiful. Audubon Ron is a charming southern gentleman who likes to cook, write music, and thinks his wife is all that. I like that in a guy.

Corn-Bean
Linlah is a mid-westerner that with a winning sense of humor and a great eye for photography. You will love her outlook on life; I do!

Go forth, read and be entertained!

PS. I forgot to add, make sure you blogger’s above download your beautiful blogger badge!

©2010 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

COMCAST XFINITY

When I first saw this featured on commercials, and more importantly, my cable bill, I was like WTF? Is XFINITY like XTRAFINE? Should I be to XINFINITY and beyond? Or does it really mean I have XFINITE dollars to spend on nonsense like this?

Ahhh, it means I get endless movies and shows. I kind of hate that. My favorite channel on the weekend is actually whatever digital music channel I’m in the mood for that day. They claim it doesn’t cost extra money, but I’m sure it’s buried somewhere in that taxes and fees section of my bill.

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In the Book Review section of the Sunday paper, I believe I read the one of the most cringeworthy passages on lovemaking I have ever encountered:

“her pupils dilate, swelling and spilling over the irises like and eclipse, a shout louder, more joyful than any that might leave her lips“.

Right, I don’t get it either. Do NOT buy “After the Fall” by Kylie Ladd.

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I found this really cool website; I Write Like. If you cut and paste a writing sample, it will analyze it and tell you what famous author you write in the style of:

Now this is a good way to start my week! Being a literary giant.

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Let us count the ways Mel Gibson has trashed his career, and possibly his life. His antisemitic rant of a decade or more ago completely turned me off – you couldn’t pay me to see him in anything but tarballs from the BP Oil Spill. A studio exec was quoted as saying “I’d rather get engaged to Lindsay Lohan than have anything to do with him.” Good one!

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan:

She repeatedly missed all the terms of her probation, and last time she went to court she forgot to button her blouse! Then she painted obscenities on her fingernails, and poor Lindsay cannot believe she got jail time? I hope subsequent rehab restores her sanity, because she’s trashed her career and her looks.

Let me give you the long and short of Sarah Palin’s Mama Grizzly message if you can’t stand to watch the video:

All around this country;
common sense changes;
don’t like fundamental transformation;
Mom’s kinda just know when somethin’s wrong
Mama grizzlies rise up on hind legs when something adverse happens;
Pink elephants stampedin’ and crossin’ to Washington;
ETA November 2010.

As Tina Fey said, you can’t make it up, it’s a gift. If anyone could possibly let me know what on earth she is saying, they should go straight to the United Nations as a top translation specialist.

Enough with these losers I say. Let’s clear our minds with yet another Old Spice clip, this time done tongue in cheek by a student at BYU.

Get me to the library, stat.

©2010 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

Check out the fetching burnt lawn:

I’ll be giving hayrides this fall, just follow the smell of mulled cider.

We have been watering the gardens (the lawn is a waste of water, September usually takes care of that), and some beneficial rain passed through this week, bringing some relief. At least one part of the yard looks nice!

But what better way to stay cool than do this:

Yup, make some refreshing trendy drinks! Last week’s style section had a list of drinks that were popular in bars around Boston, so naturally I decided I had to try some of them. The one above was a hands down favorite!

The Agave Negro
(I tinkered with this a bit….)

1 1/2 ounces Patron silver tequila
1 ounce agave nectar
1 ounce fresh lime juice
1/2 ounce blackberry brandy
fresh blackberries and mint

Muddle mint and blackberries; add all ingredients to jigger with plenty of ice. Shake, shake shake.
Pour into rocks glass. I added a little lemon seltzer for fizz. Limit: 2.

And for a bonus treat today, let’s all watch the latest Old Spice commercial about a dozen or so times, shall we?

Umm, yeah, so much for STAYING cool. That Old Spice guy IS hot!

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Dear lady who could be my mothers age,

Did you forget you were supposed to shop at Walmart today with their people? As I saw you lumbering into the checkout lane one aisle over, I seriously couldn’t take my eyes off of you! Lord knows, all of your clothes were properly pulled up and buttoned up, and I was eternally grateful to see no plumbers crack, spaghetti strap camisole, or diamond nose stud.

But my mouth was agape at the Raggedy Ann tattoo on your bicep. She was a rather sturdy doll. Her hair was bright red and her eyes eerily large. And to boot, she was riding a swing surrounded by cheerful ivy and flowers.

And I wondered, would it be possible for you, Lady of Target to flex that bicep and make the Raggedy Ann swing for real, just like sailors used to do with hula girls?

Alas, I fear it will remain a mystery, but the tattoo will be forever seared into my brain.

Signed,

Blinded by the light in Target

Thank you, Cupcake, for letting me steal your brilliant letter writing expertise for today’s blog.

©2010 The Members Lounge. All Rights Reserved.

Surely there are other infomercials equally compelling? Or maybe repelling?

It’s that crazy ass redhead Cathy Mitchell. Cathy runs around the set squawking like a chicken and showing us amazing things like how to cook an entire breakfast pocket style in a GTExpress 101. Better yet, she can show us an entire dinner in less than 7 minutes with the Xpress Redi-Set-Go! Ha! I bet she can’t make soup with either one of these things. Just say no to Cathy’s motherly persona, and cook on a regular stove.

The NuWave oven. An entire dinner under a plastic dome. But it has triple combo cooking technology, says TV Cooking Expert Heidi Bohay. OK, never mind the technology, I want to know what the criteria is to become a TV Cooking Expert? Do they study “How to Hawk Crap 101″? Heidi’s partner Joe, has clearly perfected “Sampling TV Food: How To Make It Look Like Porn.” Just say no to the dome.

This guy seriously annoys me:

I know, the Empire Carpet spot isn’t an infomercial, but it’s so prolific that it cannot escape my critical eye. Does anyone believe they really install carpet the very next day? Don’t most people bring samples home and try them out around the house before buying? And must Empire employ that freakish doll as their brand identity? Don’t trust them, people.

Lastly, I must implore the makers of Mighty Putty and Big City Sliders, for the love of God, get the late Billy Mays off of TV. Let the man and the rest of us rest in peace. And better yet, rest so peacefully we never see another infomercial again.

Have the best of weekends!

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