I Can’t Help Myself Friday. Politics, Pistols and Pizza.

Meg finds herself in the midst of her first political season in Texas. Let’s just say her observations have proven interesting, where interesting equals watching commercials with her mouth ajar.

Meg will give you her quick take on the most important subjects in TEXAS. She feels the need to capitalize TEXAS because the candidates EGOS here are SO effing LARGE.

Most important issues, in exact order:

1. GOD. (Cue angels trumpeting)
2. President Obama needs to stop attacking TEXAS values. (Plus he is the devil incarnate)
3. TEXAS needs to have plenty of border patrol people near Mexico. (Because it’s a third world in that part of TEXAS)
4. Make people show an ID when they vote, because voter fraud is rampant. (NOT)
5. Ensure gay people can’t get married by passing all kinds of crazy ass legislation. (Because the Bible says so)

That’s pretty much Meg’s takeaway of the campaign issues. Even though twenty-five percent of the people in the state of Texas have absolutely no medical insurance, that subject is oddly missing in any political discussion.

Rather than write about the commercials on TV Meg thought it would be fun for her reader’s to see how the candidates are using their social networks, and clearly Twitter is the best place to catch all of the bungling crisp, concise facts:

Dan Patrick is running for Lt. Governor, and apparently had quite the epic Twitter fail.

Poor intern took the hit for leaving that all important WO out of MAN.

I really do hope Jesus is helping out Dan:

David Dewhurst is also running for Lt. Governor, and is also freaking out about gay marriage as well:

David was a recent guest on Sean Hannity, where the two had a good laugh over the new map of the United States:

Apparently I come from “Yankee Land” that part of the U.S. that has the thumbs down symbol. Can you imagine Sean as Meg’s neighbor?

Finally, Meg will leave you with a little tidbit about the TEXAS Concealed Handgun law, which is creating super awesome buzz at local shooting ranges:

There are more than 35,000 women who are licensed to carry in Texas, or one out of four of all licensed gun owners in the state.
The Frisco Gun Club offers many accessories for the female gun owner — from purses to pink gun handles. “Our females are going to conceal a little bit differently than men do,” Johnson said. “They are going to use purses and different ways to conceal, so it really makes sense to have something that’s geared more toward the ladies.” Ladies Night has been so successful, the next event might be family night, with pistols and pizza and gun safety on tap.

Most all of the political candidates support expanding the open carry law, which means Texans can wear a pistol on their hips in public spaces.

Meg is trying to picture attending a festival, craft fair, or an antique show with people packing heat. And if they do, I think it should be mandatory to wear a bright pink holster, so I can run for the hills when I see it.

And that my friends, is the state of things in TEXAS. It going to be a bumpy election season kids, stayed tuned!

Hot and Holy.

Holy, s**t, that is.

Meg attended a lecture the other day, and the topic was Hot and Holy Sex. For Christian couples. Attended by hundreds of confused women, and zero couples.

Now that we have the topic guidelines straight, let Meg see if she can begin to describe the hot mess this lecture consisted of. Both of the women presenting had an interesting array of professional backgrounds and experience, which included “Christian life coach”, “former Hollywood agent”, “author” and “real-estate” agent. I don’t know about you, but the real estate part gives me a great deal of confidence in their ability to connect and present these kinds of topics.

Here are some of the takeaway’s Meg wrote down:

First of all, sex is “intended for marriage“. It’s why Adam and Eve were created, it’s why God “designed you and your vagina” and you were put here on this earth. To have sex inside of marriage, with the intent to procreate.

Well, all I can say is my vagina hasn’t been used to deliver a baby, and the same goes for many of my friends. That would be a lot
of single friends, too!

Speaking of which, you single ladies are in for a treat. You *are* allowed to use vibrators. I know, thank Sweet Baby Jesus of Bethlehem on that one, huh? Because since you can’t have sex outside of marriage, you better be a regular customer at Eden Fantasy’s right? (a regular exhibitor at the BlogHer conferences).

And if you are tempted with any evil or unpure thoughts, just get them right out of your heads, ladies. Because your mantra whenever you are tempted by passion or lust is:

“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

No, I am NOT kidding. Both women went on to say that pre-marital sex was the root of destruction in most relationships, and certainly Hollywood wasn’t helping. No concrete evidence or examples given here, but I imagine Miley Cyrus isn’t on the hit parade at their homes.

Married ladies! You are in for a treat as well. Because you too, *can* use a vibrator. Or wait, maybe not. You can use one if you think and only think of your husband, because if an impure thought crosses your mind (for example, you think you are Mrs. Liam Neeson, not that I would know anything about that….) then you have lusted in your heart, sure as Jimmy Carter did back in a 1976 Playboy interview.

Want to spice up the bedroom after years of being married? Well, some of the sage advice was “to give in more, how hard can it be?” That’s compromise? When the subjects of sexting and filming one’s self (and really, those can never be good ideas based on all we know about Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian) they recommended not going that route, but doing such things as:

“Jumping into the shower with your husband wearing a white t-shirt!” Just like a wet t-shirt contest!

Also, “putting some mirrors around the bed can give that “movie” effect you are looking for…”

Judging from the size of the mirrors here in Texas, I think you would need ladders and a full set crew to get props like that in place.

There was some scripture sprinkled throughout the talk, and honestly, Meg did not feel the connection between the various quotes that were tossed out and recommended to the crowd. Of course, the ever popular quote from Song of Solomon was put forth:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.

Meg has decided she’ll counter with this, from the same passage:

The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir.

And NEVER shall Meg swing from them.

I Can’t Help Myself Friday. The Bawa Wawa Edition.

Meg has never really watched The View, except when she wanted to see Joy Behar get a good zinger in. Now that Joy is gone, there is NEVER a reason to watch this wretched show, except to see the collapse of the the great and powerful Oz. Oops, Meg means Barbara Walters.

I’m so glad Gilda Radner pissed her off.

Last week Babs defended noted perv Woody Allen on her show, claiming Dylan Farrow was full of s**t her with claims of abuse, and furthermore her Mom Mia Farrow had “poisoned her” mind. Yes, and “technically” Soon-Yi wasn’t his stepdaughter, so I guess those nude photos he took of her as a teenager were OK, too!

I for one, am glad to not know anything about the Allen household.

This week, Babs completely threw some major shade on Elizabeth Vargas as she talked about her recent stint in rehab and joining AA. Check this out:

Well, we all knew Elizabeth“. Oh snap! Meg thinks it might have been nice of Babs to let the guest get a word in edgewise, since it was her viewpoint we might have wanted to know about.

Since we started with Gilda channeling Barbara, let’s have Gilda end with my favorite SNL character, the esteemed journalist, Roseanne Roseannadanna:

It goes to show you, if it’s not one thing, it’s another, Barbara.