The Top Secret Mission

Where the mission equals finding a bathing suit that looks good. Need I say more about the need for secrecy?

Meg bought a variety of suits on-line; and tried them on behind several locked doors and a soundproof room so no one could hear the sound of her wailing.

First of all, don’t you wish for a more simple outfit to wear while sunning and swimming? Say, the one you wore when you were 4 years old?

Oh to be that age again and throw on a cotton onesie sunsuit!

Women of a certain age, and particularly those of us that are post menopausal, need SOOO much help. There is tummy control, love handle control, cleavage control,and butt control. There are halters, x-back, t-back, bandeaus and cami’s and on and on. There is the slender suit, the miracle suit, the tankini, the swim dress, the swim mini, the Grecian one-shoulder, and the tunic.

Where to begin?

Well, Meg began with Lands End for practicality. She is not one to bejewel herself at the beach, nor show all of her assets, which would include, as her mother would say “Kitty Murphy“. Not does she want to cover her self up like she’s 80 years old. She just wants to strike a balance of looking her age and being comfortable enough to walk in the water without anyone pointing.

The second option she went with was Miracle Suit, because one can only hope, right?

Honest to God, every time Meg checked her email and saw the tracking numbers for her packages, she broke out into a mixture of flop sweat and excitement. Would the suits perform as their description indicated? Would 10 pounds miraculously be shaved from her torso? Would her sporty look be appropriate? Are you on the edge of your seats with anticipation?

Drum roll, please?

Alas, the Miracle Suit tankini tops were a bust. And by bust, I mean no support AT ALL. There was some underwire, but the simple curve of wire did not hold up a 38D breast. The flimsy matte jersey (what the hell Miracle Suit?) in no way shape or form was able to handle the heft of this pair of ladies. It would have been a total winner if the cup had better construction. On the other hand, the zipped tank suit will be great for doing laps in the pool, so she’s keeping that one.

Out of the 10 mixed variety of suits Meg tried, she ended up with 3 that were acceptable:

The zip is the Miracle Suit, and the other 2 are Lands End. That tankini top is the MOST comfortable and flattering top she has ever worn. It had a ton of support and came to the right length, it stayed tight when swimming and covered the poochy parts perfectly. Of course, they are all sold out on-line that this point or she would have bought them out just to have in the closet. The swim mini was also the perfect length, not too long or short, and you could even pop into a beach side store and look spiffy in it.

Well, Meg has a start, because she plans on living in the pool this summer. She still has her work cut out for her, and plans on going to an actual store to continue the mission for the perfect cup and blend of spandex. Should you hear the breezes carry the sounds of “OH NO” sometime this weekend, you can be sure that voice is coming from the Dallas-Fort Worth suburbs.

Wish Meg continued luck, won’t you?


Potpourri for $100

Whenever Meg cannot nail a coherent post down, she counts on blog Jeopardy to get her out of trouble. Let’s start with the easy Potpourri category and see if Meg can’t run the board this morning!

If there isn’t another reason to hate Gwyneth Paltrow more, please refer to her daily routine below:

“I wake up at 7 a.m., I get [the kids] fed, and I get them dressed in their uniforms, any bits of homework are finished,” Paltrow explained. “I take them to school. She [Apple, now 9] gets dropped off at 8:25 a.m., and he [Moses, now 7] gets dropped off at 8:45 a.m., so we have a croissant together in his school dining room and we do reading together. Then I go home and I work for one hour on all the e-mails that come in overnight from L.A. Then I exercise from about 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. Then I work on Goop [the digital media and e-commerce company she founded] pretty much the rest of the day until I pick up my kids and then they have various activities.”

I don’t know about you, but the part about the croissant annoys the living shit out of me.

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Remember how the Old Spice guy made a big splash a few years ago?

Kraft decided that kind of thing might work for salad dressing. Feast your eyes on the Kraft “Zesty Guy”:

And if you have a friend that needs cheering up, feel free to head here and send them a “Zesty Gram”. I personally would not mind receiving this in an email!

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You know how we all find the Bachelor and The Bachelorette degrading? See how Jimmy Kimmel turns that franchise on it’s ear by debuting the “Baby Bachelor“:

Somehow the dinosaur ceremony seems so much more meaningful than the rose ceremony.
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Meg can never resist the chance to throw a little Jon Stewart your way:

Plus, it’s so refreshing to see another country with screwed up politicians, right?

Consider that your “daily double” for the day!


Professor Backwards

Wasn’t there some guy named Professor Backwards that used to mangle the English language?

Meg is here to tell you he is alive and well, and living under her roof. The Professor is a magna cum laude graduate of a prestigious college, and despite his stellar liberal arts education he continues to mangle the English language, puzzling Meg with his euphemisms.

For example. since we moved to Texas, he constantly wants to visit “Forth Worth“. To which Meg says,”well, let’s go forth to Fort Worth then.” Forth/Fort Tomato/Too-mato, right?

Professor, the ever helpful husband, has been busy providing Meg with the latest musical technology so she can enjoy some tunes poolside. He kindly set up a portable BOSE speaker that can talk to her phone and her laptop so she can listen to “Pandora’s Box“. Holy crap, I hope I don’t unleash a reign of terror by the pool! Who knows what will come out of the box?

When we were discussing some issue or another the other night, and he mentioned “the jury still isn’t out on that. Please see below for the correct use:

Idiom Definitions for ‘Jury’s out’
If the jury’s out on an issue, then there is no general agreement or consensus on it.

Does anyone see the word isn’t in there? I could not convince the professor he was using that phrase incorrectly. Imagine if he were on the Jodi Arias jury?

I told the professor the other day to hang some of the winter coats in the spare room (rooms, actually) closet. He said, “you mean the red room”? I’m all like “red room? Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining Red Rum“?

Despite the door, I’ve done so much better with the interior of the room:

It’s the red room!

Of course, marriage wouldn’t be as entertaining if there weren’t a lot of Professor Backward stories. Which reminds Meg, she will have to tell the story about how the Professor and his cohort Gilligan* (*Meg’s brother-in-law) were late for a dinner reservation because they were playing golf with a guy who’s hands were blown off by lightning. I know, we still have never gotten that story straight, but it’s become the tale legends are made of.


I Can’t Help Myself Friday. Fashion Happens.

The Met Gala took place in New York this week, and provided Meg with a spark! She needed to examine and critique fashion trends; and who better to share with than her faithful blog readers.

Are you ready to have a little fun?

You know, it’s not so much the bathing suit Kim Kardashian, as it is the braids. Why do I see long braids and french braids everywhere? Is Pippi Longstocking back in style again?

Kim gets a double take this week for the slipcover she wore to the Met gala:

Can you imagine what crazy ass boyfriend Kanye said when she decided to sport this on the red carpet? I have seen plenty of expectant mothers look elegant on the runway, but this just looks like a sofa. Does anyone else think Kim should lay low till she has the baby? Just for the sake of our eyes?

Katie Holmes shows us her assets:

I still have to give her SOOO much credit for staging that escape from Tom Cruise.

I always feel Miley Cyrus is trying SO HARD to BE BAD. But she still seems like a little kid acting like a brat.

Oh geez, Gywnnie has been named “The Most Beautiful Woman” in the World. Did they mean “Most Annoying with the Best Publicist Ever?” Also, who’s countries flag is she flying?

Who gets it right this week?

Jennifer Lawrence! I think she is just so cute and refreshing, and handled tripping up the stairs to get her Oscar in a phenomenal way! Thank you Jennifer, for being a beacon of fashion grace in the middle of the train wrecks.

Meg wishes all of her bloggie friends a fashion forward weekend!


Words That Annoy Me.

Recently Slate magazine had an article on words people hate. Curiously, the word that triggered the most reaction was the word “moist”.

moist
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition of moist
1. wet, wettish
Synonyms: clammy, damp, dampish, dank, dewy, dripping, drippy, drizzly, humid, irriguous, muggy, not dry, oozy, rainy, soggy, teary, watery

Meg was a little surprised about that one, until she read all the synonyms associated with moist, because she hates to think
of herself as dank and oozy on a summer day. Think about it? Do you want to read a blog entry that’s titled “Welcome to Meg’s first oozy summer in Texas?”

mush
Part of Speech: noun
Definition of mush
1. a thick porridge made with cornmeal boiled in water or milk
2. something soft and spongy or shapeless
Synonyms: batter, dough, mash, pulp, slush

Meg not only hates food gone mushy in her vegetable bin, she hates being called a “mush brain“. Which apparently was considered a term of endearment about 30 or so years ago by an old boyfriend. Which definitely explains why he became “old” and and went from “boyfriend” status to “persona non grata. Meg assures you her brain never consisted of porridge.

pant·ie
noun \pan-t\
plural pant·ies
Definition of PANTIE
1. a woman’s or child’s undergarment covering the lower trunk and made with closed crotch —usually used in plural

Meg detests this word. It absolutely makes her cringe. It’s underwear, OK. Simply a pair of underwear. Don’t call it anything else.

nekkid
– no thesaurus results

Thank GOD there is no Thesaurus result for this word. Meg frequently hears this term in reference to the temperature of various places in Texas. Let Meg use it in a sentence, OK? “Oh my stars y’all, I’ll have to get nekkid in here if you don’t turn up the air conditioning.” To which she then prays someone *does* turn it up.

ma’am
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: a title of address
Synonyms: Frau, Mrs.., dame, ma’am, madame, madonna, marm, señora, signora

The other day Meg was called “ma’am” at least 20 times in one conversation. Whereupon she had to look at the guy straight in the eye and tell him to please STOP STOP STOP STOP. Meg is not goddamn Aunt Bea from Mayberry, so don’t talk to her like she’s in the middle of baking a pie for Sheriff Andy. Just call her Meg, OK?

Needless to say Meg’s list could go on, but like George Carlin, there are at least 7 words she can’t list here. But Meg wonders, what is the word that makes you stop in your tracks as you watch your head torque off the ceiling?