Meg has been happily plotting her trip to France. So far, things have been perfectly falling into place. She has learned throughout the years how to glean information from the internet, books, her friends, of course, bloggers. She usually puts together a balanced itinerary of relaxation, adventure and fun, sprinkled with cocktails and good food. She can’t remember many bad vacations except for 2. One involved Florida, in-laws and mouse ears, and that’s all she’s going to say on that subject.
The other involved the State of Vermont. There are many aspects of Vermont that Meg likes, but she liked NONE on this particular trip. It started off with Meg using a site called Cyber Rentals, and seeing a quaint house high over a lake:
The family agreed that this looked like a nice place to decompress, and Meg called the owner to get the details. The owner seemed to practically pounce on his phone, which she thought was odd for a DENTIST during working hours. That would be RED FLAG number 1. As he and Meg conversed, the man she will refer to as Dr. Myron swiftly asked for a credit card to secure the deal, when Meg simply wanted to send a check. He couldn’t guarantee the week would still be there, so Meg stupidly ponied up her credit card number, which was RED FLAG number 2. Before the call ended, Dr. Myron convinced Meg she couldn’t possibly want to haul towels with her, so she agreed to an additional $20 for those. RED FLAG number 3.
The family headed north on a crisp fall day, eagerly looking forward to some down time. They were greeted by Mrs. Myron, who referred to herself as the shiksa bride, not being Jewish herself. Umm, OK, Mrs. Myron (who will be herefore referred to as MM). MM chatted briefly and then turned to a COSTCO bag and handed over some bath towels.
Let me clarify this. She handed over THREE bath towels that were UNWASHED. That’s right kids, that what $20 bucks got Meg. And with all the money they saved ripping off guests, this apparently allowed Dr. Myron to install a sign at the bottom of his driveway, that looked much like this:
Meg can only imagine what the neighbors in the quaint neighborhood thought about Dr. Myron’s monument to his colossal ego, she wondered where the graffiti artists were then you needed them.
So the family took a tour of the guest quarters, and things just got better. Meg gazed at the dining area, replete with a butcher block table and bar stools. She quickly start calculating dinner reservations, as restaurants usually provide CHAIRS TO MATCH THE EATING EXPERIENCE. We also got a mini-lecture on providing our own trash bags, and MM conveniently pointed out all the leftover food from previous guests, because WASTE NOT WANT NOT, right? As Meg took in the decor, she noticed a number of antiques graced the walls. In fact, what made them even more special, were the PRICE TAGS attached to them. It’s a vacation experience, and a shopping experience, all at once!
That’s right I, too, could own a piece of fine capadeemonte for $30, or as I like to refer to it, as capidomonte, the crap they sell on QVC. Or maybe I wanted to buy that vintage MOHONGANY cabinet, because clearly that’s MO BETTER than regular mahogany.
As MM finished her tour, she gave a flourish of her arm to show off the phone, as in the PAY PHONE THAT TOOK QUARTERS.
As MM retreated to the main part of the house, the family heard a pack of BIG WHEELS on the hardwood floor above, and they decided to take a scenic drive. Later that day the host family left, leaving Meg and Leo alone. But not before they moved all the TACKY FURNITURE and blocked ACCESS TO THE UPPER DECK.
Naturally, Meg went up to peer at the deck after they left, to be greeted by ONE-WAY GLASS! Meg imagined the glass was to ensure the MM’s weren’t seen in their natural habitat, which she presumed must be rolling around naked in quarters and twenty dollar bills on the living room floor.
As you can imagine, the week was not a memorable one, and when Meg received a $200 speeding ticket for blazing by a chicken farm at 50 MPH, she f**king packed up and left the State of Vermont as fast as she could.
Meg still wishes she told Dr and MM off, but when she looked their name up, she saw the guy defrauded his patients, was arrested, and got his privileges to practice dentistry revoked forever.
Somehow it must have been painful for him to pull that giant ass tooth from the end of his driveway, which was undoubtedly the last extraction he ever performed.
Meg has never gone back to the Cyber Rental site, and she suggests you heed her advice, lest you be paying $20 for Costco towels.