I Can’t Help Myself Friday. The Oxymoron Edition.

The summer humidity does strange things to the brain. Sometimes what we see can’t possibly be real, right? Or can it? Let’s explore some of life’s improbable mysteries and try and figure things out, shall we?

CBS regularly features “Our own chef Katie Lee“. SHE IS NOT A FREAKING CHEF! STOP CALLING HER ONE.

Bon Appetit, a usually stellar magazine, cited actress Gwyneth Paltrow in their August issue as not only an actress, but as a LIFESTYLE GURU as well! Really? I’m having a hard time deciding which role is the oxymoron, but here’s an example of Gwyneth’s cleanse diet for shedding holiday pounds:

DAY ONE

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water*
1:30pm (lunch): Salad with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds
6pm (dinner): Broccoli and Arugula Soup
*Make sure that the coconut water has no added sugar. Fresh is ideal but the brands Zico or Vita Coco are readily available.

LAST STEP: Order pizza with works after going insane trying to do this.

Oh crap, Elisabeth Hasselbeck wasn’t on LOST, that was SURVIVOR! But who doesn’t wish she would have gotten killed by the smoke monster?

The New York Times style page ran a lengthy feature called “Snooki’s Time”. Can I just ask time for what? Oh right, Gym, tan, laundry. Bar fight. Late night hot tub antics. Repeat.

All I know, it’s Friday and it’s time for cocktails. And oxymorons be damned.

Have a great weekend!


The Lowell Folk Festival

This past weekend, we attended the Lowell Folk Festival.

The festival always has an amazing array of music ranging from gospel, bluegrass and polka, as well as Irish and Quebecois fiddlers. There are displays of art and crafts and a street designed just for kids to play in. There is also an abundance of food that includes Thai, Jamaican, and my personal favorite, Greek. There is tons of ice cream, lemonade and well placed beer and wine tents. It is an remarkable event in which people are cheerful, outgoing and enthusiastic.

Here are some of the highlights of the day:

The Steep Canyons Ranchers got the day going!

I thought this woman looked stunning with her colorful umbrella!

Dogs like to have fun here too!

Some even match their pets perfectly!

The volunteer staff is the heart and soul of the festival, which relies on donations, as it’s a FREE event!

Isn’t she just perfect?

This couple was enjoying an impromptu polka!

This gentleman was demonstrating the steel drums, which originated in Trinidad and Tobago.

We liked the Hotclub of Cowtown!

This family liked them too!

I loved all the colorful and eclectic outfits!

Body art was prominently displayed everywhere!

I also saw some interesting “do’s”!

Every year I go, I am impressed with the music, dance, art and food. Most of all I am amazed that tens of thousands of diverse people can come out and celebrate with their families and for one day, laugh and enjoy themselves without a care in the world. It captures the spirit of America, and in the very best of ways.


Who is Minding My Mind?

According to researchers the brain handles information much like a neural software program; that can only be run one program at a time. Apparently the unconscious is a different story, perfectly capable of running the program it chooses. Shall we see what my brain was up to this past weekend?

Friday night I dreamt I was in a small airport changing flights to someplace nice. (I don’t fly to crappy places in my dreams, people!) When lo and behold, while changing planes, I ran into the Queen of England.

How lucky for me to have such close access to the Royal Family! It’s not every day you bump into the Windsors, right?

But that wasn’t the best part. I was so close to the Queen, I could see every detail of her outfit. And that outfit consisted of a tank top and shorts. She was flying casual that day, evidenced by the fact that her hair was up in a clip. Not a bejeweled kind, the plastic ones like the rest of us wear.

But here was the best part. I was so close to the Queen, I could see her tattoo. That right, she was tatted up.

And it looked a little like this:

In my dream, I was a tad surprised by her laid-back attitude, and was reluctant to whip out my camera phone. I really did want to show the world the Queen was just like us, but was afraid her royal contingent would think my snapping photos was rude.

And I remember thinking, well, maybe the tattoo is there in case they lose the Queen? But that’s silly, how do you lose track of that crown, that scepter, that giant oaf of a husband Prince Philip?

That my friends, is the mystery of the unconscious mind. If anyone can figure this out, please let me know. In the meantime, I’m going to try and run a program in my brain that tells me I merely have a very active and colorful imagination.

Sweet dreams!


I Can’t Help Myself Friday. The King’s English.

You’d think we would have come along way since the Valley Girl. I mean, she like you know, OMG set the English language on it’s ear. Let’s see what’s hurting our ears this week and how to make it stop, shall we?

Jimmy Kimmel is spot on comparing Sarah Palin to Don King, and hopefully she won’t refudiate that:

As if the Palin family isn’t giving me enough material lately, Bristol Palin is so proud of Levi for getting his GED, and “what not“. And supporting her and Tripp emotionally and financially, and “what not“. Which I think secretly means what not to do is freaking marry him, Bristol! Although I would love you to piss your mother off, that would make me happy.

Lest we neglect the written word, here are a few sentences from the website snopes.com and their mangled English section:

and they have this world wind romance going…
there was no four play so I wasn’t very turned on…
will there be negative percussions from this?…

Yes, I predict there will be percussions if the American public doesn’t learn to speak and spell properly.

Lastly, I think it’s important for spiritual institutions to guide their followers to a righteous path of spelling:

Otherwise, what are we to think of the adult classes offered?

Have a fabulous weekend, readers!


Potpourri for $100

The continuing three week heatwave in the Northeast has me listless and in a state of ennui. My usually cogent and crisp thoughts have melted into a puddle of mindless crap. So this morning, I’m going to pretend this post is a Jeopardy category, and it’ll be a little like reading the kitchen sink.

COMCAST XFINITY

When I first saw this featured on commercials, and more importantly, my cable bill, I was like WTF? Is XFINITY like XTRAFINE? Should I be to XINFINITY and beyond? Or does it really mean I have XFINITE dollars to spend on nonsense like this?

Ahhh, it means I get endless movies and shows. I kind of hate that. My favorite channel on the weekend is actually whatever digital music channel I’m in the mood for that day. They claim it doesn’t cost extra money, but I’m sure it’s buried somewhere in that taxes and fees section of my bill.

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In the Book Review section of the Sunday paper, I believe I read the one of the most cringeworthy passages on lovemaking I have ever encountered:

“her pupils dilate, swelling and spilling over the irises like and eclipse, a shout louder, more joyful than any that might leave her lips
“.

Right, I don’t get it either. Do NOT buy “After the Fall” by Kylie Ladd.

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I found this really cool website; I Write Like. If you cut and paste a writing sample, it will analyze it and tell you what famous author you write in the style of:

Now this is a good way to start my week! Being a literary giant.


I Can’t Help Myself Friday. Uh, Oh.

Uh, oh! The most innocent of phrases can come from the mouths of babes, but they also come from grown-ups that are incredibly stupid. Let’s examine, shall we?

Let us count the ways Mel Gibson has trashed his career, and possibly his life. His antisemitic rant of a decade or more ago completely turned me off – you couldn’t pay me to see him in anything but tarballs from the BP Oil Spill. A studio exec was quoted as saying “I’d rather get engaged to Lindsay Lohan than have anything to do with him.” Good one!

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan:

She repeatedly missed all the terms of her probation, and last time she went to court she forgot to button her blouse! Then she painted obscenities on her fingernails, and poor Lindsay cannot believe she got jail time? I hope subsequent rehab restores her sanity, because she’s trashed her career and her looks.

Let me give you the long and short of Sarah Palin’s Mama Grizzly message if you can’t stand to watch the video:

All around this country;
common sense changes;
don’t like fundamental transformation;
Mom’s kinda just know when somethin’s wrong
Mama grizzlies rise up on hind legs when something adverse happens;
Pink elephants stampedin’ and crossin’ to Washington;
ETA November 2010.

As Tina Fey said, you can’t make it up, it’s a gift. If anyone could possibly let me know what on earth she is saying, they should go straight to the United Nations as a top translation specialist.

Enough with these losers I say. Let’s clear our minds with yet another Old Spice clip, this time done tongue in cheek by a student at BYU.

Get me to the library, stat.