When Guests Go Bad

matt

Even Little Matt knows when guests have overstayed their welcome.

Kitchen cleaned up. By MYSELF for 4 flipping hours. Done.

Gladware packed with goodies to bring home. Done.

Lights being shut off gently, room by room. Done.

Meg changing from her holiday garb to sweatsuit. Done.

Catch phrases like, thanks for coming, what a delightful day! Done.

Guests kicked to the curb in the nicest of ways. Priceless.


I Can’t Help Myself Wednesday

In light of the Thanksgiving holiday, Meg has decided to write her semi-regular Friday feature a little early, as a holiday treat to herself.

Breaking news:

The insufferable Elisabeth Hasselbeck wants to move out of New York City because she’s afraid terrorists will bomb the city in light of the upcoming 9/11 trials. Guess what nitwit? That’s never off the agenda for them. Strap a spine on Elisabeth, and get with the program!

elisabeth

How to survive Black Friday:

The lines are shortest at the mall the last hour before closing. And park farthest from the main entrance; that’s where the spots are. Trolling for a closer spot wastes psychic energy, and that’s where the jackasses riding around in their Escalade’s collide with unsuspecting shoppers and baby carriages. I recommend carrying a crappy lipstick in your purse for a well placed message on a car window if need be.

Lastly, Meg’s sister sent her this message via email:

pi

Pi.

Luckily, she sent a follow-up message that said this:

Pie.

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Thank goodness she is bringing pumpkin pie and not mathematical formulas to Meg’s house!

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!


A Little Song, A Little Dance….

a little seltzer down your pants.

OK, bear with me here. I am starting this entry out in a veritable corn maze, but trust me, you’ll see the light once I explain.

That catchphrase caught my eye the other day, as I saw the writer of the famed “Chuckles the Clown” episode had passed away. That show was one of the all time Mary Tyler Moore classics, where Mary loses it at a wake that eulogizes the station’s famed funnyman.

Here’s where the corn maze comes in. I started to think how much I loved Mary as a kid. In high school, my friends and I all wanted to have apartments like Mary’s, have a best friend like Rhoda, and be really cool and have an initial on the wall. Oh, how I longed to have an M hanging in my very own place.

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So fast foward from the 70’s to my mid-life self, (I really can’t bear to think of myself as middle-aged. I’m cringing even as I type it). and I think, crap. Here I am, sort of stuck in this moment of not being sure of what I want to be when I grow up.

I got a certificate in web design and graphics, I put that to use. I worked in a sweatshop that treated it’s employees like a herd of cattle and thought nothing of agreeing to customer deadlines occurring on every major holiday. Luckily I left the sweatshop, and started volunteering for a non-profit. I’ve done a bunch of pro-bono sites and that is gratifying.

I managed a house project and got a new addition built. Maybe, my friends say you should be a interior decorator?

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I like to paint and have done a spiffy job on a few things. Maybe I should custom paint stuff and be an artiste?
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Hopefully this whole life thing will sort itself out. And I have to have faith, like Mary’s theme song:

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And thank you for making your way through my corn maze today.


Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodnight

Like the Von Trapp family, I bid adieu to the best pair of jammies a girl ever had:

old_friends

After many washings, the flannel had finally given way to the soft sheen of bare cotton. Soft, threadbare cotton. Yet, I still kept wearing them , because glancing down at the gin and daiquiri labels sprinkled over the fabric just brought a smile to my face.

Last weekend, a sale beckoned at Sleepyheads. Please, won’t you buy one pair, and get a second one FREE?

In two clicks of a pajama bottom, some plushy new flannel was purchased:

night_owls

I would have loved to purchase the same exact pair, but it doesn’t appear they make them anymore.

I guess it was time to move on. Goodnight, cocktail shakers, goodnight.


Everything Lee

The remnants of Ida swept through this weekend, which meant all outdoor activities were postponed, and indoor activities reigned supreme.

So I’m leisurely drinking Pumpkin Spiced coffee, sprinkling of cinnamon on top, and watching morning TV. I perk up in anticipation of a cooking segment, thinking some new autumn dishes would hit the spot.

But no. Alas, it’s the maven of 70% store bought, Sandra Lee. Have you ever felt compelled to watch something, knowing full well you shouldn’t, but yet you can’t peel yourself away? A train wreck maybe?

This my friends, is the magic of Sandra Lee. She set the scene for morning breakfast on the Today show dressed in a silk kimono, and how cute, she accessorized with a tiny butterfly clip in her hair! Don’t we love how she evokes the feel of morning by wearing her pajamas to the set? And YUM, doesn’t that casserole with cheddar cheese condensed soup, ready to go grits, cut up sausage breakfast links and God knows what else, look so yummy????

Seriously, it looked like a mess when she was finished. Doesn’t she know you can whip up a great frittata with some roasted veggies and cheese in the same time it takes to open the damn can of sodium laden soup?

I can only be grateful she didn’t have time to stage one of her famous tablescapes on TV:

sandralee_barnyard

I thought I would create one for her, though. Nothing says morning like bringing all of our farm animal friends into the kitchen! Be sure and scatter extra stuffed roosters around the place settings for that rustic, down home country breakfast feel!

If she weren’t enough, the Parade section of the paper was featuring another Lee, this time Katie Lee, along with Tyler Florence and Bobby Flay as the trio of Thanksgiving cooking experts. Katie’s dish was that sweet potato marshmallow casserole thing. I guess now that she’s dumped Billy Joel, she has enough cachet to write her own cookbook. And my, she’s a cooking expert already? Can you say Cordon Bleu, Katie? I thought not.

katie_cholesterol

So unless you want anarchy in your house this Thanksgiving, run, don’t walk from anything “LEE”. And the only stuffed animal I want to see on my table is my free-range, cooked to perfection turkey.


Another Edition of I Can’t Help Myself Friday

This week was rich in fodder. It was hard to whittle down my favorite moments, but let’s give it a whirl, shall we?

carrie_confidential

Where to begin on Miss Diva, Carrie Prejean? I don’t even want to give her more face time, but like the today’s subject title, I can’t help myself. She’s infuriating.

OK Carrie, you stated your views on gay marriage. That’s a First Amendment right, we all would agree with that. But yet were so appalled when no one leapt to your defense, when you were called small-minded and petty. Guess what? You have to defend YOURSELF. Just like everyone in the public eye, you have to put up with crap for what you believe in.

And guess what else? If you work the beauty pageant circuit, you can’t pose nude or make youthful sex tapes. The technology exists for that all to be dug up, and so I’m guessing you just hoped none of this stuff would turn up?

Furthermore, on the subject of being Palinized, I take that to mean you and Sarah have the following in common:

You both were in beauty pageants.

You both only talk on your terms and don’t seem to have publicists that are capable of fact-checking.

You both failed to fulfill your contractual obligations, you to the Miss USA folks, and she to the State of Alaska. You both decided lucrative book deals suited you a whole lot better.

Larry, it’s Boston here! Can you take my call? Please don’t let that petty, small-minded bubblehead on your show again!

This just in:

ole_lou

Lou Dobbs is quitting CNN to build a wall on the Mexican border. Have fun Lou!

Lastly, because we all need a good Christmas gift idea:

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If Vince demonstrating the Slap Chop doesn’t make you laugh, I don’t know what will!